Midi 101

               I have heard it said by friends and certain family members that still like me (for some odd reason) that I am a good person, that I have a kind heart, an old soul. To these people, I would like to take the time to give them my most humble thanks of their assessment of my character. People tend to find me to be nice, tolerant and accepting because of the things I do and the things I say and believe in.

               However, do not be fooled, dear readers. I am in no way saintly or good natured, not really. I am nothing more than a beast, a wild person who has tamed the madness enough to seem sane and wise and good. I try to live up to my expectations of morality. I follow the words of Gandhi and Buddha, of Confucius and Lao-zi. I hear the voice of my heart echoed in the trees and in the goodness of humanity. But is that enough to label me a good person?

              After all any idiot can believe in tolerance and equality. Anyone with half a brain can bite their tongue and learn their manners. Are my beliefs enough, are my motives strong enough, is my soul good enough to have people think me to be a person so highly thought of? I think not.

              I have faults. I curse nearly constantly and I enjoy it. I judge people, though I try not to. I do think some people really are fucking stupid and often wish that natural selection would work a bit faster and more efficiently without humanity trying to slow the process down. 

              As you see, this is only the beginning. This is what you don't often see through my writing. I have more faults than most like to admit to having, but at least I fess up to them and I own them and acknowledge them. Shall I continue, do you think? Well, I shall. 

              I have many, many hateful thoughts fill my head every day, hell- every hour. These thoughts mostly revolve around Christianity and conservative thinking (which I am working on). I find stupid, mean things to be funny depending on what it is and can be very evil in my thoughts, no matter how hard I try to purge them. I can be heartless in my assessments and my trust and loyalty once lost will never be regained.

             I am horribly, insanely stubborn and unemotional in most cases. I simply do not grasp the emotional tirades of others, they scare me a little if I am honest. I need to be eased into emotional problems. Yet the irony of this is that I can be (given the circumstance) an emotional and sensitive person.I feel love, hate, kindness, compassion, etc...but at times I feel so alienated when people express these emotions and often have problems expressing them myself unless I feel extremely at ease with that person. Funny, then, that I choose psychology as my profession. I do desire to help people- I just have little tolerance for ignorance, stupidity or blame. Maybe tough love can be helpful here?

              I am the most picky eater a person could ever not wish to meet. I like only certain kinds of music and television shows. I have no interest outside of things that do not already interest me.  It can be a very confining box. I never want to explore something new until I am feel I am ready to grasp it fully and enjoy the ride. I can go headstrong into some things and never start other things. I am probably much too sexual for a female (hell for anyone!), but on the positive side of this- I am smart about it. I tend not to have a filter on what I say, the gods know I wish I did sometimes, and find myself being open and honest about who I am even when it is best I keep silent.

              The list of my faults could drag on and on for pages. I try to live a good life, a productive life. I try to listen, understand, and practice my spirituality. I fight for what I believe is right and fully believe in standing up for what I know to be right, even if I am the only one standing in the end. I am not afraid to live on the odd side of society and seek my own path. I love the life I have chosen to live. I embrace being Goth, my pagan lifestyle and spirituality, my sexuality, my everything- the good and bad. I am willing to look into my soul and see what needs to be changed and work on myself so that these changes can occur. I look into my darkness and I find myself.

              In the end, I guess that is all any of us can ever do. For those who think I am a good person- again, I thank you. Know, however, that as good of a person as I can seem, that I can be very hateful- I have very evil moments, very bad moments. But that is okay. I’m learning, just like everyone else. 

 My friend, I am not what I seem. Seeming is but a garment I wear--a care-woven garment that protects me from thy questionings and thee from my negligence. The "I" in me, my friend, dwells in the house of silence, and therein it shall remain for ever more, unperceived, unapproachable.

I would not have thee believe in what I say nor trust in what I do--for my words are naught but thy own thoughts in sound and my deeds thy own hopes in action. When thou sayest, "The wind bloweth eastward," I say, "Aye it doth blow eastward"; for I would not have thee know that my mind doth not dwell upon the wind but upon the sea. Thou canst not understand my seafaring thoughts, nor would I have thee understand. I would be at sea alone.

When it is day with thee, my friend, it is night with me; yet even then I speak of the noontide that dances upon the hills and of the purple shadow that steals its way across the valley; for thou canst not hear the songs of my darkness nor see my wings beating against the stars--and I fain would not have thee hear or see. I would be with night alone.

When thou ascendest to thy Heaven I descend to my Hell--even then thou callest to me across the unbridgeable gulf, "My companion, my comrade," and I call back to thee, "My comrade, my companion"--for I would not have thee see my Hell. The flame would burn thy eyesight and the smoke would crowd thy nostrils. And I love my Hell too well to have thee visit it. I would be in Hell alone.

Thou lovest Truth and Beauty and Righteousness; and I for thy sake say it is well and seemly to love these things. But in my heart I laught at thy love. Yet I would not have thee see my laughter. I would laugh alone. My friend, thou art good and cautious and wise; nay, thou art perfect--and I, too, speak with thee wisely and cautiously. And yet I am mad. But I mask my madness. I would be mad alone. My friend, thou art not my friend, but how shall I make thee understand? My path is not thy path, yet together we walk, hand in hand.

Exert from "The Madman" by Khalil Gibran.